Is My Voice Not Reaching You?
by Theresaiah
Summary: "I don't want to cry anymore because of him. So I scream instead. I scream until my lungs burn, until I can't make a sound. And then I cry. I cry all night, just enough so I can be sure that I'm alive. And the next day, I would recover my voice, and I would be able to scream again. And again. And again."


Hi there~ I wrote this some time ago for the Drrr Kink Meme, and I just felt like posting it here, since I created an english account here... Hope you like it!

**Pairing:** Shizaya

**Word count: **3,085

**Prompt: **_Izaya-centric, Shizaya- hurt/comfort_

_Please something, anything, with Izaya going through the disease "lynne"! Watch the Vocaloid music video Rinne to get an idea if you don't know what the heck I'm talking about._

_I have a link to the song sang by nico singer, Gero, /watch?v=kGnt_SBCppw&feature=related_

_A short brief explanations on what "lynne" is:_  
_"Lynne" is an unrecognized disease in psychological terms, where the person will hold their hands around their throats, and scream to the point of losing their voice, because they are screaming for the one thing they can either no longer have or no longer reach._

_I want Izaya to go through this because of Shizuo~_  
_Whether or not Shizuo, in the end, is able to save him is up to A!A __really leaning towards a happy ending please eAe_

* * *

Black. White.

They aren't so different anymore. I can no longer keep going. It hurts so much...  
I don't want to cry anymore because of you. So I scream instead. I scream until my lungs burn, until I can't make a sound. And then I cry. I cry all night, just enough so I can be sure that I'm alive. And the next day, I would recover my voice again, and I would be able to scream again. And again. And again.

This has been going for a while now. How much? Three months. It's been three months since you left me. You left me for that bitch. Vorona, was her name? I don't care. I want her dead. But you would be all sad if it happened, right? She means so much to you, after all. I wish you cared for me that much before you met her. Or was it a lie? Probably.

I wrap my hands around my throat to muffle my screams. Wouldn't want anyone coming in, now would I? I don't want anyone to see me like this. Shinra and Celty are worried about me, I can tell. Everyday, Shinra would call me to ask me if I'm feeling well. He doesn't sound convinced when I just laugh at his question, telling him it's nothing. Shinra is my friend but...I can't talk about this with him. He just wants me to apologize to you. Why? He thinks we should be friends, or enemies, as we were for a long time. But I don't want to. It will never be the same.

Celty is the only one I can trust. Sometimes she comes to my apartment, almost everyday. She just hugs me, holding me tight as I cry until there aren't tears left in my eyes. Sometimes we would talk about how it was before. When you and I were a couple. She says venting helps me out, so she takes a sit on my couch and waits for me to spill it out. My feelings, my pain...my decreasing will to live. The headless woman disagrees with me on that part, saying that it's not worth it. That I will find someone who will love me even more than you did.

My smile grows bitter at that. It will never happen. I only love him. I don't want anyone else.

Why Shizu-chan? Why did you make me love you? I hate you for that. I hate you because I love you.

I cry out your name as I feel those salty tears running down my cheeks. It hurts. It hurts so much to see you with her. I don't go out my apartment anymore, but people talk, and I'm an informant after all. Even in the Dollars site, everybody talks about how the monster of Ikebukuro doesn't destroy anything anymore. They tell me how they see you with her, walking along the streets, looking like a whole new person.

"Shizu-chan...why? Was it something I did? Something I said? I can change, you know. I would change if that's what you want. I don't care. I can't...I can't live like this..." My voice sounds so broken, it's barely a whisper. I cry harder as I scream against my pillow, my fists grasping the sheets of my bed.

The sound of the lock makes me stop for a second, and I stop screaming. It must be Celty. She has my key since this started, so that way she can enter whenever she wants. I just close my eyes, letting my tears drop one by one on my now wet pillow. I don't even raise my head, my back to the door. I feel the bed sink a bit and a pair of arms wrap around my waist, hot breath on my neck.

"Flea..." My eyes turn wide when I realize who it is. I refuse to turn around or answer. It's not like I can talk much, anyway.

"Izaya, I-"

"Shut up." Don't, please. It hurts. It hurts so much. Don't give me hope. I don't want to die of sadness.

"No, you listen. I've been trying to talk to you for a while now, and yet you refuse to pick up my calls. I ask Shinra and Celty about you, and then she slaps me! What's going on with you?" I can't trust you. Don't talk as if we were together. You don't care. You-

"You left me..." I feel how your grip around me tightens. 'Are you going to deny it?' I wonder.

"It was a mistake. She...isn't like I thought. She..." There's no need for me to turn around, I know your face shows doubt.

"She tried to convince me to kill you..."

I don't even flinch at those words coming from your lips. I knew that bitch hated me. The feeling is mutual, surprise! Stupid blondie, always trying to take all away from me. Now even my life, uh? What a greedy little wish~

"Well? What are you waiting for, then?" I try to laugh, but it comes as a broken noise."Come on, Shizu-chan. It will make us all happy. She wants me dead, you don't want me with you, and I want to die. Isn't it wonderful that we agree on that matter?"

Your body is even more tense now, I can feel it against my back, your arm never leaving its place on my waist. You crawl closer to me, making me turn against my own will. I can see your eyes now, and they tell me sweet nothings I refuse to hear. They're all lies. There are so many of them. Don't look at me like that. I don't want your fucking pity after what you did. You're a monster. You took my heart for yourself,and then you broke it in a million pieces. I hate you. But, at the same time... I don't.

"H-how can you say that, Izaya? Why would you like to die? You have so many things in your life! Money, a good place to live, Celty and Shinra-"

"I no longer have you. So what does it matter? I'm alone, and I will be like this from now on. Kill me already so you can return home. I'm sure your future wife is making dinner, in a pink apron. You don't want to miss that, right? So come on, make it quick. I don't have time for this..." I pick up my flickblade from under my pillow and I let it drop in your free hand. Your face shows shock, and maybe...fear? Fear of what?

Then I understand. I smile at your face. Do you think I would do that? No. It would be too slow for me to enjoy it. But you don't know that, so I will bear with my sore throat and explain it to you. As a final gift, right? Soon, it will be over. I will finally be able to rest in peace.

"You're wrong. I didn't cut myself. I only have it there just in case. I feel safe with it at my side. See? No marks." I lift my sleeves so you can check if I'm telling the truth. You stay there with the same expression for a second, before you smile a little.

I don't understand. Is this funny to you? I bet it is, finally being able to get rid of me. That's what you've been trying to do for years, you should be happy. And I should be happy. You were the one that started this pain, and you will be the one who finishes it. So ironic.

"Shizu-chan? Could you kill me now? I'm tired of waiting, you know. It's annoying and-"

"Shut up flea. I'm not going to kill you. You're so intelligent, yet so slow. Vorona wanted me to kill as a prove of my love, so I broke up with her. She was becoming really clingy, making me feel uncomfortable. And I realised I didn't love her all this time. I love you. I love you so much." I can hear your voice. I can understand your language. An I can feel your body heat, making me want to just give up. But I cannot believe them, those beautiful words. No. You will leave me again once you make up. You can't fool me, but...that smile. That fucking smile is making me listen to you. You don't deserve it.

I don't deserve you either, so it's ok.

I can feel your lips on my neck, going up until they reach my jaw. So this is your idea to make me give up? Don't you think that's a bit arrogant to think that it will be enough? Don't try to apologize that way. It hurts even more. You've touched her, right? I'm sure of it. I don't want to feel her in your touch. She can die for all I care.

All in all, it's so difficult. I hate you, so much you can't imagine. But I love you as much. I don't like feeling like this. Don't make me feel like this. You want to make it all better, but you're only hurting me even more.

"Izaya...don't cry. I'm not going to hurt you." You stop licking my neck, stealing those tears from my cheeks, kissing them all away. I didn't notice I was crying. Damn you for making me feel so pathetic. Why are you being gentle? You weren't like that the last night we were together. I could sue you for the bruises and marks you left. But they dissappeared. Nothing is there anymore. Nothing will tell others 'Property of Shizuo Heiwajima'.

I can only cling to your shirt as I cry harder, burying my head on your chest. I can only imagine how I look right now, cheeks flushed and wet, eyes red because of all those tears running down my cheeks, ending in your tongue.

"Y-you...you fucking idiot..." I manage to whisper between sobs. Your arms are circling my waist, bringing me even closer to you. I can't stop crying and it annoys me. Make it stop, please. One way or another, I don't care. I feel you kissing my hair as you craddle me against your chest, rocking me slightly back and forth, humming softly a quiet melody unknown to me.

"I know. It's all my fault. I know. I want you to let it out. Celty told me about your screams...after she slapped me. I want to you to do it for the last time, Izaya." You say in a low voice. I feel my body tense once more. Why? Why do you want that? Do you want to see me like that? It's not fair. You're not the one being humilliated here. Damn you. Damn you and your sweet words.

"...And why would I do such a thing in front of you, Shizu-chan?" I say in a muffled voice.

"I want to help you, and I will. I'm trying to apologize for everything...Look, Izaya. You're the only one for me. Only you make me feel like this. I'm sorry I didn't notice it sooner, FUCK, I know it's all my fault! But I want a second chance...please, Izaya?" I don't let you see my shocked expression, as I think carefully my next movement. I wish this was a game of chess. It would be easier.

I finally come to a decision. Slowly, I look up at you, locking our gazes. I raise my shaking hands towards my throat, my eyes never leaving yours. I close my eyes for a second, and then...

I scream. I scream as loud as I can, crying out your name again and again. I can see you staring at me, confused for a few seconds, before you hug me again, leaving me a bit of space so I can scream. And I suddenly feel a bit better. It isn't like the other times I did it. I can feel you all around me, making me dizzy.

I don't know how much time has passed. I can no longer scream or cry; and it is not because my voice is gone. It's because it's not necessary anymore. I don't want to scream. And I don't feel like crying. I open my eyes, wondering when I closed them. And you're there, smiling tenderly at me. I can't help but smile back at you.

Apology accepted.

I hit you, hard, slapping you across the face.

"OW! What was that for? Are you bipolar or something?" You ask me, as you caress your cheek slowly. I laugh inwardly at your stupidity before I throw my arms around your neck, chuckling. You stand there, not doing anything for a second, before you laugh with me, finally realizing the reason about that.

"Hey, I know I've been an asshole, but is it really necessary a punishment?" You whisper, sounding troubled. I laugh even louder at this, my sore throat completely forgotten at this moment.

"Why, yes. I'm going to make you suffer so much, you'll be begging for mercy, Shizu-chan~" You sigh at this, and I can almost hear the cogs in your head, trying to figure out a way of convincing me. I giggle at this, stroking your blonde hair. It's very relaxing. I can't believe that your hair colour is fake, it's so soft against my fingers...

"Shall I be your loyal knight, Hibiya-sama?" That's what I hear from your lips, in a sultry voice. I know you're joking, but it's not funny. I try to scowl at you, but I'm not able to do it right.

"Hibiya, uh? How did you even know that name? I haven't used it for a looooong time..." You smirk at my expression, looking down so that way our eyes meet.

"Aw, you're pouting! So cute~" I growl at you, not liking to be teased. Your smirk grows bigger in response, as you put your hands in the back of my neck, moving me closer with each second. I try to pull away, but we both know it's not going to work. I give up.

You kiss me slowly, the kiss is filled with want, but I'm surprised when I can't feel lust in it. That's confusing. You lick my lips, asking for permission. I don't know why you do that, but it feels nice to know that you're not forcing me to do anything right now. I open my lips just a little, a subtle way to tell you that I'm ready.

Suddenly I can feel your tongue brushing against mine for the first time in three months. Oh god. I fucking missed this. My hands find their way to your hair, tugging at it slightly to deepen it. It's not a mere liplock anymore, as the kiss turns passionate. I know it's the best way you can think of to say sorry. Well, how could I refuse something like this?

Your hands are everywhere, moving up and down my back, drawing secret patterns I will never figure out. Once the lack of air becomes a problem, we pull apart. It's not enough for me, but I did say something about a punishment, didn't I?

"Not tonight. I forgive for all these months, but there's no way we're having sex tonight. Too many things for a day, I'm tired..." You just nod with your head, a look of understanding on your face. I watch you curiously as you get off the bed.

"I know, punishment, right? Well, I should head back to my place. It's night already, I don't want to find some gangs or something on my way. I don't feel like beating them up if I came across some." I can't help but panic a little as I see you approaching the door. No way! As fast as I can, I manage to grab one of your sleeves, stopping you.

"...I said we won't have sex. That doesn't mean you have to leave..." I look away as I feel myself blush. You smile, pecking me on the lips, before lifting the covers. I move aside, making room for you, my eyes lighting up. You take me in your arms, nuzzling your head against my neck. I just close my eyes, allowing myself to smile, before I fall sleep.

I'm glad my voice reached you.

* * *

Well then...how was it? Tell me in a review, I'll be happy to read about your opinions, bye~!


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